As we approach towards the end of 2014, I can honestly say that it will be one that I wont be looking back with too much enthusiasm. From what started off in late last December and progressed all the way through, my battle with depression has been a long arduous one which has been dotted with many ups and downs. Whilst I have made many new friends, I have lost some for one reason or another, but also more importantly the support of long time friends whose friendship has never wavered during the year. Many friends who took time to message privately and offer great support. Friends I don’t often get to speak to much, being there with support.
Suffering with the Big Black Dog was not something I ever thought about. Even when I was feeling tired and lacking of energy, I just put it down to being busy and rushing around. It was only when I read a blog post from a good friend, that I realised that maybe it was more than just being tired from being busy and rushing around as he described a lot of things that I had been going through. I had lost interest in my blog and my story. I had lost interest in watching football. Then came the split which I think compounded things even more.
I felt alone and worthless. Getting up seemed like a chore. I pushed myself to go to work and didn’t anyone at all to start with. I felt ashamed to be honest, like no one would believe me. I wasnt attention seeking either. I’m never one for trying to attract attention at the best of times, let alone use mental health like that.
February came and I got the diagnosis from the doctor. I had hoped that it wouldn’t be depression, but instead just tiredness or something. It was and I wasnt getting away from it. I would often find myself thinking – but why? I surely don’t have anything to be depressed about. It doesn’t work like that as many people who have been through it will tell you.
I got back with my ex in March. Having resolved issues with people interfering, we tried again. It seemed to be going ok. I also started opening up about my situation and I found that I was not alone. I had a lot of support from friends and family. I did go downhill a bit and saw my anti depressant increased. The relationship was short lived but after initial despondency, I picked up a little. Friends continued to be supportive and then out of nowhere I seemed to take a backwards step. Couldn’t quite grasp why, but it was difficult. I kept things to myself again and hoped that things would pick up. Then I was unwell with another medical issue which made things worse.
I had returned to my doctor and he opted to refer me. That happened and it was decided CBT would be the way forward. Anything to help would have been welcome and so it was just a matter of waiting. I received a phone call and a place was available for six sessions of lectures as it were covering different things.
Something that has also made a difference, is living in a house with great people and a fab little westie. I have the pleasure of being able to take her out for a walk. It is always fun and never the same walk as she likes to change direction.
I know look towards 2015 and all that it brings and I thank everyone who has been there in one way or another however big or small the contribution.
This is the last post before Christmas, but as I will return afterwards. Thank you for reading and thank you for the support.